literature

Snow

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Literature Text

Snow really does deaden the sounds, Bill thinks to himself.  You can't hear the wind blowing or the flakes falling, the muted mumblings of televisions inside houses.  It's so peaceful, so beautiful to see the snowflakes floating to the floor, drifting with the breeze, building up so pure and white.  No two snowflakes are identical.  Every single one is unique and captivating, so impossible, and yet, there it is.

When they're not analysed under a microscope, they're ordinary and not at all remarkable, melding together in a crush of blinding whiteness, identical once more.

Perhaps this is where it all began.

The snow can't deaden the sounds in his head.  It can't deaden his memories, surround them until they don't hurt anymore, don't mean anything anymore.  It can't deaden what happened.

He hears his breathing deepen, watches the air burst unsteadily out of his mouth, feels his tears stinging his cold cheek.  He hugs himself tighter, trying to retain some heat even through his many layers of clothing.  It's so much harder to stay warm when there's no one to share their body heat with you.  Even when it isn't cold, it's hard for Bill to stay warm if Tom isn't there.

And now he isn't.  Why did Bill have to be so stupid?  Why did he take advantage of Tom when he was obviously drunk and not in his right mind?  Sure, he'd taken advantage of his brother before, getting him to carry his bags or paint his nails when he was in a really good mood, but nothing like this.

It was New Year's Eve, nearing midnight, and they'd snuck away from the party they were at to just talk to each other and reflect briefly on the year.  Tom was clearly inebriated, tugging Bill closer to him than he usually would and insisting, as the clock chimed midnight, that he had to kiss the new year in.  Bill hadn't known what to do, what to think, so he'd just gone along with it, not expecting a chaste press of the lips to explode into a full-blown make-out session and for that to explode into more.  The next morning, Tom had woken up to see a naked Bill covered in bite marks and bruises and come, noticed similar marks on himself, and had not spoken to him since.

Bill's heart twinges with something he can't quite comprehend: lust, regret, guilt, passion and something deeper.  He shivers and looks around.  Why does it have to be so beautiful and perfect when he isn't?  Apart from the trail leading to where he stands, the snow is untouched, uncorrupted; the benches are cushioned with it, the trees filled with it.  It's so unlike himself that he almost wants to turn back, but that would just dredge up the feeling of rejection which was slowly beginning to wreck him, more than he was wrecked already.

He doesn't hear the footsteps crunching behind him or se the shadow looking in front of him, too caught up in his stinging skin and poison thoughts.  Why would these beautiful snowflakes never be identical and harmonious together?  He startles when he feels arms envelope him from behind, and hot breath on his cheek.

"Bill," Tom breathes into his ear.  "You're so cold."

"Get away from me.  I don't want you to get dirty," Bill gasps, stiffening in Tom's hold, but Tom's so warm and Bill really doesn't want him to leave.

"You won't get me dirty," Tom assures him, holding on tighter.  He pauses.  "I'm so sorry, Bill.  I shouldn't have just left you like that that morning.  I should have been more responsible."

"You were drunk.  You can't justify your actions.  It's my fault for going along with it."

Tom pauses for a long time.

"I wasn't drunk, Bill."

Bill tries to turn around, to face Tom, but his hold is too tight.  Maybe he can't look Bill in the eyes right now.

"B-but you-  Then why-  What-"

"It's so stupid.  I just wanted to make sure you were okay and having a good time, but I didn't want you to think I was having a bad time, so I figured I'd pretend to be drunk.  To be completely honest, I... I was just looking for an excuse to kiss you.  God knows I wouldn't have found one otherwise.  I was just shocked in the morning.  It's a big thing.  But I don't regret it!  I just regret not talking to you for all those days."

He slides one hand up to Bill's scarf, tugging it down to expose a lovebite still not faded fully and pressing his lips to it briefly.

"Tomi," Bill whispers, holding his hands over his twin's and tilting his head to see Tom's face.

Albeit a bit awkwardly, he presses his lips to Tom's, a silent apology, understanding, speaking without words, only touch.  Tom's grip relaxes, and Bill takes the opportunity to face him properly, connecting their lips more fully.

"I love you, Tomi," Bill whispers, and Tom nods his head desperately, eyes closed.

Bill knows it's hard for Tom to voice his emotions, but he understands all the same.  There's something not right when they're not together; it's like they share one soul which inhabits two bodies, and when they're not together they don't feel complete.  Bill has never felt more complete than he does in this moment, despite what other people might say.  It's just him and Tom, together and oblivious to their surroundings, deadening the world around them.
Bill/Tom Kaulitz twincest. Tokio Hotel.


I stayed up late writing this the other night. You might know that England has had a lot of snow recently, and I'd been standing outside in the evening, and it just struck me how quiet the snow made everything. It was so beautiful. (And then I made an epic snowman with my sister.)

Then on the way to college the next day (which was cancelled, so I went home), I just got an image of Bill Kaulitz crying in the snow. It just made for a breath-taking image in my mind.

I'm really pleased with it. I hope you like it.
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TheFeatherFromBillsW's avatar
i like the comparison u made: their relation and the snowflakes. a really good one! twins, identical, complete different but the same, just like those snowflake in the background
it was a very nice one shot, well written and worth reading!


and i always find myself thinking of bill and tom, for a twincest, in winter;
i can't see them elsewhere together but in a winter decor!